wiped out.

are you tired?

has life got you down?

have you lost your reason for living?

if you answered yes to more than one of these questions it's probably because your priorities are not in order and your television is not tuned into abc on wednesday nights at 8pm.

the concept for wipeout may not be the most creative or complex one but it probably is the most hilarious show on tv right now.

you can tune in at any time and you never have to worry about what you missed last week because the jist of the show is easy and simple to follow: the producers of the show go down to the nearest crazy house and pick out a handful of contestants they feel suitable for primetime television.

the contestants are then to complete in the most impossible obstacles that involve a combination of high altitudes and some form of water while commentators make fun of their futile attempts.

honestly, i don't see why you want to be doing anything else.

high fives.

remember the good old days when food ads would tell you how much you could get for a single dollar?

well those days are over and food companies are now competing against each other to show you how much they can actually overcharge you for a sandwhich.

and if you're not careful you'll let the loud shouting, bright colors, and skillful inflection make you believe that paying $5 for six inches of bread and meat is actually a good a deal.

when in all actually you probably could feed yourself sandwhiches for a week with what you pay for one sandwhich at quiznos.

did you miss me?

allow me to oblige you. here's a blink 182 video. take some time for sentiments and reflection.

wait, how do you say it again?

mahmoud ahmadinejad has been guilty of:

a. demanding that the occupying regime be wiped off the map.
b. asserting that the holocaust was a myth.
c. claiming that iran's nuclear program is for electricity generation and not for nuclear weapon development.
d. launching a gas rationing program to decrease iran's energy consumption.
correct answer: e. all of the above.

do you think that someone like this would have won with 63% of the votes?
correct answer: nah. me neither.

my hats off to the iranians...
the voter turnout in the 2009 elections was 10 million higher than any other election in the 30 years that iran has had elections despite the massive propaganda campaign to discourage people from even participating in the elections.

supreme leader ayatollah ali khamenei said the record voter turnout in friday's election showed iranians value "resistance against oppressors," according to cnn.

what's even more interesting to consider is that there were 40 million votes cast and ahmadinejad was announced as the winner only two hours after the polls closed even though ballots in iran are hand counted.

so now can you understand the feeling of disappointment with the election results and the consequent feeling of frustration and the need for protests?
correct answer: yeah. me, too.

Everything (Album Version) - Murs

videotapez.

radiohead is awesome. no further explanation needed. i thought this rendition of videotapez was special. very rarely do music videos successfully display the theme of the song so needless to say when i saw this one i was impressed. this video gently rearranges the irrelevant nonsense in your life and places things in perspective. if you're not touched it's probably because you don't have a heart anyway.

so then it doesn't really matter now, does it?

delegation of authority.

i'm adorning this one with the disclosure that " i love jay-z as much as the next person but," jay-z's new single, "death of audio tune" sounds like that uncle at the family picnic who's older than everybody there but loves talking about how things were different in his day.

well of course.

i must admit that when i first heard "i'm sprung" i expected t-pain to be more attractive and i attribute this deception to the audio tune. so i understand jay-z's frustration however, 2009 is a much different place than 1996 when jay-z first entered the rap game and even if thirty is the new twenty, the unapologetic lyrics and complementary beats reflect nothing less than an old man's rigidity. audio tune is providing opportunities to those most deserving(i.e. justin timberlake, lil wayne, kanye west) and i'm all about affirmative action.

bada bing.

since i'm on the subject, microsoft revealed it's version of a better search engine [than googgle] entitled "bing" about three weeks ago.

but it's still a search engine and i didn't hear many complaints about how google just wasn't accurate enough. most people just internalized their internet search failures (as they should) and realized that it was not the search engine that was inefficient but rather the search terms that they were using.

so back off microsoft. the last thing we need is more technology making us lazier, more reliant, and less able to think critically for ourselves. do you know what the national act average score is? 21.1 for 2008 decreasing from 21.2 from 2007. not that the average from 2007 is anything to get excited about, but you get my point.

however...

the bing commercial is the realest commerical on tv right now and if your mind works at all like the storyline of the commercial you'll resent google for a moment. but only for a moment.

and i must admit...
i found this song faster with bing than google but i googled bing instead of binging bing.

--

*if you don't recognize the guy in the picture, you should bing it...or google it. whatever.

for $2000.

these commercials have been out for minute but since microsoft hasn't found a reason to stop airing them i decided to give them one.

these commercials are particularly aggravating because they give no justification whatsoever as to why anyone wouldn't take $2000 to buy a mac instead of a pc. the producers of the commercial give the "individuals" $2000 to buy any laptop of their choice with the only rule being that it must be under $2000.

hmmm.

if i had the opportunity for 30 seconds of fame along with the option of purchasing any computer of my choice and the only stipulation is that it must be under $2000 and i have the option of selling it in the future and purchasing the mac that i really wanted...i would probably agree to this commercial, too. it's obvious that all the "individuals" in these commercials really want macs because if they didn't they would never bother to price them.

so then does that mean that under any other circumstances i would purchase a virus-laden pc fully equipped with glitches out the wazoo over a more technologically advanced and hipper mac? i doubt it.

can we step it up over there at microsoft? you guys aren't even trying anymore.

stimulating.

obama signed into law the $787 billion american recovery and reinvestment act in february. in it he promised the program would create or save 3.5 million jobs, according to cnn.

since february, the act has created 150, 000 jobs. and as you can imagine, the party animals over at the gop are going nuts.

the white house says as a result of the expedited pace, the recovery plan will create or save more than 600,000 jobs in the second 100 days.

relax. a total of 150,000 jobs in four months is an average of 37,500 jobs a month. which averages out to about 750 jobs a state. considering how hard it's been for everyone i know to find a job i'm proud of you guys, even if i'm the only one.

but if you're not impressed. let's take a look back.

how long did it take former president bush to create only 3 million jobs?

correct answer: all of his eight years!

no wonder republicans are so skeptical.

but can this newly elected democrat do it?

the last time a democrat was in office he created over 23.1 million jobs by the end of his eight year term in 2000. the largest job creation by a united states president in history. needless to say, i'm hopeful.

si se puede.

phrases of the day.

ftw

fml

wtf

so many shorthand phrases have been surfacing with the increase in the use of online social networks to communicate that it may be difficult to keep up with what they all mean or when may be the appropriate time to use them.

the wall street journal revealed today that in an effort to maintain its snug hold on its market share amidst the recession, apple will be releasing it's new 8 gigabyte iphone for only $99 on june 16th. place ftw here.

if you have already switched from your existing lower priced phone and cheaper phone service plan to purchase what would have been called the new and exciting iphone a year ago, the phrase "fml" fits accordingly in this instance.

apple also announced that it will be releasing several new notebooks some of which will be reduced up to $300 below their current prices. this means that if you previously purchased the macbook air for $1,799 it is now available to everyone else for $1,499.

if you are a developer for apple's top rivals, such as palm or research in motion, wtf may be appropriately inserted here.

while apple has not fully grasped the concept of maintaining the happiness of it's existing customers, it sure knows how to make those who haven't yet jumped on the apple bandwagon very happy.

history lesson.

tomorrow marks the 20th year anniversary of the tiananmen square massacre. and although i was too young to remember the significance of the event at the time, this was an incredible event in world history as thousands of chinese demonstrators lost their lives protesting for reform within the communist chinese government.

what i found today to be even more interesting was that these events even received international attention. it was a matter of brilliant timing on the part of the demonstrators as most international media had arrived in the country anticipating the advent of soviet leader, mikhail gorbachev. however, gorbachev was not even able to enter into tiananmen square as planned due to the massive gathering of protesters allowing them the full attention of the media.

this was also the event that put cnn on the map. at the time cnn was only 9 years old its 24 hour news credibility was challenged by more long-standing networks. but here's the gotcha: no other network at the time had 24 hour news coverage so cnn was the only one able to catch the events as they were unfolding nonstop therefore establishing themselves as a legitimate source for american and world news.

----

"honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress."

-mahatma gandhi

hooked.

cnn reported today that the navy is investigating how $30,000 went missing in the rescue of the captain of the maersky alabama in april.

well duh.

i mean that was the whole objective of the pirate attacks, right? it's a sunk cost now. let it go.
but thanks for informing everyone who may not have known already how much cash is usually carried on one these ships and endangering the journeys of future captains.

who?

the world health organization announced today that it is still considering increasing its pandemic alert level to phase 6 because of the growing worldwide cases of the h1n1 virus, according to cnn.

nice try you guys.

like all other pop culture fads, the american people have grown tired this, too. we have moved on to more exciting topics. not that you need to hear it, but just as a courtesy to you i will say it anyway: sorry, please try again soon.

lost at sea.

according to the bbc today, an air france plane carrying 228 people from brazil to france "has vanished over the atlantic after flying into turbulence" on sunday.

france's president, nicolas sarkozy, has said the chances of finding survivors were "very small".

how do you loose an entire plane of people?

sounds like a conspiracy to me. so then the question becomes not how? but who? yes, who exactly was on this plane and at the center of a major conspiracy plot endangering the lives of 227 innocent passengers?

i don't know. but i think it's worth finding out because now that international flights are going to be cheaper he or she at least deserves a thank you.

it is a game.

i'm not gamer but i'm guessing that the end goal of creating a video game is to make it seem as true to life as possible. game developers now are taking the meaning of reality to a whole new level. these games are so true to life that they should have the labels "inspired by actual events" or "based on a true story" appear right before the first scene.

cnn lists games dating all the way back to 2001 but here are a few of my more current favorites:

somali showdown
a multiplayer game that simulates a pirate attack on a cargo ship.

hero on the hudson
players become pilot chesley sullenberger and attempt to navigate a plummeting airliner to a safe water landing. successful attempts are adorned with applause. unsuccessful attempts results in a sinking plane and gurgling sounds.

swinefighter
players try to save the world from the spread of swine flu.

trillion dollar bailout
players try to boost the economy by choosing between awarding government cash to shady corporate fat-cats or struggling homeowners.

made off
players get their chance at a ponzi scheme of their own and try to outscam bernard madoff.

so the next time someone makes a reference to these tragic events of our american history and they tell you it's not a game. check 'em. because now it is.

a picture is worth...

what's the opposite of conventional? nothing about this says demure nothing lasts forever but be honest babe it hurts but it may be the only way black is beautiful i'm like a bird latitude i'll only fly away i don't know where my home is a la carte timeless how you get so fly from not being afraid to fall out the sky interdependence vantage motivation responsibililty peace courage it's okay strength generosity it's a bird it's a plane promise opportunity determination future hope resolute tenacity cavalier imagination imagine all the people living for today serenity you may say i'm a dreamer but i'm not the only one dream on certainty move on the birds and the bees birds of a feather i know why the caged bird sings soar no bird soars too high if she soars with her own wings birds have nests i used to have a complex about getting too complex birds sing snow melts roses unfold faith what's the opposite of stagnant? and i think it's gonna be a long long time till touch down brings me round again beauty desire inspiration triumph wisdom you'll never walk alone three little birds don't worry about a thing every little thing is gonna be alright grace i'm as free as a bird now and this bird you can not change i'm so high even when i'm coming down it's been a long time coming but i know a change is gonna' come i want to get away i want to fly away but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush fascinating i don't get many compliments but i am confident i'm still learning though actually i just do what comes naturally phoenix passionate i'm nice with metaphors but these are similies pain is weakness leaving lovely please don't shoot me down cause i'm flying i'm high up what's the opposite of ordinary? oh with a u as in u-nique

trips to the zoo are no longer rated pg.

two zookeepers went in to clean an enclosure with two white tigers at a new zealand wildlife park today. while inside one of the two white tigers lunged at a keeper mauling him to death, according to cnn

meanwhile...

a group of eight tourists who were on a guided tour of the park witnessed the attack.

that's got to be the saddest feeling if i ever felt one. i mean what else can you really do in a situation like that except watch. i would imagine that you would try to turn away but you would still be slightly intrigued and would have to resume watching even if it's only out of utter disbelief that this is actually happening and sheer curiosity as to how this will all unfold.

summer soundtrack.

these 9 songs are my soundtrack for the summer. this is all that i listen to. all day. everyday. whatever the occasion. there are moments of implusive but fleeting infidelity leaving me only to return remorsivefully. i thought i would share this playlist with you so that you too may have a summer soundtrack to whatever it is that you may find yourself doing.

----

these are instrumentals so there is no need for anyone to feel left out. there is something for everyone. if you are out with that special someone or home alone because you have no one. if you are cruising in your g wagon to a weekend getaway in the hamptons or at the bus stop on the way to your 9-5 as the line cook at red lobster. no explicit or offensive lyrics just instruments so it's fun for the whole family.

enjoy.

no words.

go read a book...

here, let me help you.

it's summer time. so along with it must come summer reading lists. there will be no tests, quizzes, or 3 page book reports to go along with the following but below are a few of the best books that i have ever read. these are at the top of my list not because they are light superficial stories but rather because they each have some deep underlying theme calling into question the accepted realties of today's world. enjoy.

5. of mice and men by john steinbeck

"we could live offa the fatta the lan'."

"s'pose you didn't have nobody. s'pose you couldn't go into the bunk house and play rummy 'cause you was black. how'd you like that? s'pose you had to sit out here an' read books. sure you could play horseshoes till it got dark, but then you got to read books. books ain't no good."

"a guy needs somebody - to be near him. a guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. don't make no difference who the guy is, long's he's with you. i tell ya, i tell ya a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick."

4. 1984 by george orwell

"until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they they have rebelled they cannot become conscious."

"and the people under the sky were also very much the same--everywhere, all over the world, hundreds or thousands of millions of people just like this, people ignorant of one another's existence, held apart by walls of hatred and lies, and yet almost exactly the same--people who had never learned to think but were storing up in their hearts and bellies and muscles the power that would one day overturn the world."

3. the catcher and the rye by jd salinger

"it's really too bad that so much crumby stuff is a lot of fun sometimes."

"if a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? nobody."

"it's funny. all you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

"don't ever tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody. "

"when i really worry about something, i don't just fool around. i even have to go to the bathroom when i worry about something. only, i don't go. i'm too worried to go. i don't want to interrupt my worrying to go. "

2. go ask alice

"even now i'm not really sure which parts of myself are real and which parts are things i've gotten from books."

"well, like oil and water, i can't quite adapt or fit."

"i'm partly somebody else trying to fit in and say the right things and do the right thing and be in the right place and wear what everybody else is wearing. sometimes i think we're all trying to be shadows of each other."

1. a clockwork orange

"what does god want? does god want goodness or the choice of goodness? is a man who chooses the bad perhaps in some way better than a man who has the good imposed upon him?"

"they don't go into the cause of goodness, so why of the other shop? badness is of the self, the one, the you or me on our oddy knockies, and that self is made by old bog or god and is his great pride and radosty. but the not-self cannot have the bad, meaning they of the government and the judges and the schools cannot allow the bad because they cannot allow the self. and is not our modern history, my brothers, the story of brave malenky selves fighting these big machines?"

"the attempt to impose upon man, a creature of growth and capable of sweetness, to ooze juicily at the last round the bearded lips of god, to attempt to impose, i say, laws and conditions appropriate to a mechanical creation, against this i raise my sword-pen."

a friend in need...

is a friend indeed.

chen fuchao threatened to jump off the haizhu bridge in the city of guangzhou, china in a suicide attempt because he was 2 million yuan ($294,000) in debt after a failed construction project, according to cnn.

chen's suicide attempt attracted a crowd that held up traffic for almost 5 hours.

a 66 year old man by the name of lian jiansheng was passing by and offered to talk chen down. after breaking through police lines, "lian greeted chen with a handshake, then pushed him off the bridge."

chen then fell 26 feet(!) onto a partially-inflated emergency air cushion surviving with only injuries to his spine and elbow.

lian later followed with this statement, " i pushed him off because jumpers like chen are very selfish. their action violates a lot of public interest. they do not really dare to kill themselves. instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities attention to their appeals."

hmm.

if i was $294,000 in debt, feigning a suicide attempt to attract attention from individuals with the necessary authority to assist me through my unfortunate circumstance would have almost seemed like a viable option until now. but apparently the fine print reads: "the most common risk associated with this activity is death."

political prisoners.

yesterday cnn reported that the iranian government has blocked access to facebook after presidential candidate, mir hossein mousavi, created a facebook page for his campaign that drew more than 5,000 supporters. reformist candidate mousavi is considered a threat to the current hardline president, mahmoud ahmadinejad. the political action was ordered by the masadiq committee in an obvious effort to protect the upcoming june 12th presidential elections.

yes, because completely blocking access to the world's most popular networking site is the most secure way to convince the iranian people that their current government does not need reform and ensure their full support on june 12. how clever. why didn't we think of that five years ago?

racial profiling.

saw this commerical while at a hotel in d.c.

hmm.

i'm not going to call it racist but i would like to point out that there are racial undertones associated with this virginia car dealer idenitifying its market target.

guessing game.

i fell in love with madvillain after listening to the instrumental for fancy clown. i thought this video for all caps was special. can you guess which four movies these clips are taken from?

hints:
1.) guy ritchie
2.) quentin tarantino
3.) benicio del toro

nothing like this.

if you're not too distracted by the eccentricity of the video. the lyrics are actually quite beautiful.

nothing like this

all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
i never felt, quite, like this
all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
i never felt, quite, like this
all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
ohhhhhhhhhhhh! uh uhh
incomplete when, you're, away
you turn my, nights, into days
you show me, the, light uh-huh
gotta, have, you, right away
i never felt, quite, like this
all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
i never felt, quite, like this
feels good! ohhhhhhhhh
yeahhhhhhhhhhh
you, breathe, life, in-to meeeeeeeeeee
fo' life in, i'm, in, too deep
i'm, ad-dic-ted, uh-huh
something tells, me, you're the one (yeah!)
i never felt, quite, like this
all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
i never felt, quite, like this
all i need in, my, life is
there, is, no-thing like this
i never felt, quite, like this

- j- dilla

you worry about the worry things.

it's funny to watch how people react now when they enounter someone with a persistant cough in a public and enclosed area such as the airport.

relax guys. this cough that i developed was the result of a generous practice of habitual recreational activities during my last week as a college student and is nothing more than evidence that i took full advantage of the opportunities provided to me and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

but then again i'm not going anywhere near a medical facility where i may potentially come into contact with people that may have actually contracted swine flu to find out whether or not i have swine flu.

tough love.

according to abc news, president obama plans to issue the toughest emission and mileage standards in history for new cars sold in the u.s.

as part of the plan, u.s. automakers will have to increase gas mileage from about 25 mpg to about 35.5 mpg and reduce pollution and greenhouse gas emissions by 25% by 2016.

although it was not stated, i'm feeling assured that this means that we will be out of the global recession that we have stumbled into and the insane amount that these newly improved fuel efficient and environmentally sound vehicles are going to cost is not going affect anybody.

and those sourpusses upset by the increase in car prices are going to have their frowns turned upside down after becoming millionaires overnight with all the money that they are going to save at the pump by using the new fuel efficient vehicles. yay.

sounds amazing. everyone is happy. and once again mr. president you have proven yourself and that feeling we felt the first moment we fell in love with you is re-kindled once again.

[pause for cheers].

but wait, these are standards for united states automakers? didn't the u.s. automobile industry file for the largest bankruptcy suit in its history?

oops.

i wonder who's going to have the capacity to make these super-fantastic automobiles of the future? or which individuals who can't afford buy cars now are going to be able to afford to buy even more expensive cars in the future?

hmm.

intellectual property.

according to the new york times, myriad genetics owns the patent on two genes that are closely associated with the increased risk for breast and ovarian cancer and on the testing that measures that risk.

hmmm.

question #1: how can they even do that? seriously, put a patent on a gene?
answer: i have no answer. i'm still in awe.

question #2: what's the justification for such a thing?
answer: "companies like myriad have argued that the patent system promotes innovation by giving companies the temporary monopoly that rewards their substantial investment in research and development." no doubt.

question #3: what are the implications?
answer: well if you're like ms. genae girard, if you are diagnosed with breast cancer, you will be encouraged to take a genetic test to see if your genes put you at an increased risk for ovarian cancer. if your results come back positive and you would like a second opinion from another genetic test, you won't be able to because there is no second test. because yes, myriad genetics owns the patent on those genes and their genetic tests.

words of advice:

stay healthy people because on this diverging road of medicine, technology, and economics, any sort of ailment is money in the bank for them but definitely not a good look for you.

word of the day.

the ajc reported today that proctor & gamble, the makers of bounty paper towels, has filed a federal lawsuit against georgia-pacific, the makers of brawny paper towels. they claim that the newly designed brawny paper towel pattern looks a little bit too much like the design that bounty currently uses for its paper towels.

hmmm.

you know your job sucks when...
you are comparing designs on disposable household cleaning products.

word of the day:

dis-pos-a-ble
(adjective) designed for or capable of being thrown away after being used or used up
(or even as a noun) something disposable after a single use, like um...a paper towel.

the breakdown: those few housewives able to notice the similarities between the two brands only because they are suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder while using your paper towels are going to have to throw them away anyway.

so if this lawsuit does actually make it to court (which it more than likely will for obvious reasons) i would argue that this will be a waste of tax money that neither company is going to absorb.

so being blind is not the only disability that justice has...

she's a little slow too.

cnn reported today that paul house who spent 22 years(!) on death row was released just last year on bail and finally cleared today. house was scheduled to be executed next month for the murder of carolyn muncey in 1985.

hmm.

my suggestion: can we get justice a few classes? maybe take a couple of tests to prove her competency? hold her back until she gets enough problems right to get a passing grade?

justin time.

for mother's day that is. if you thought dick in a box was an outrageous holiday tune check out mother lover from last night's episode of saturday night live with justin timberlake andy samberg.

cotton pickin'.

i was watching the overdramatized next to last episode of this season of grey's anatomy on the tele last night. and then it's a commercial break. and i see this commercial with zooey deschanel singing. i have no idea what it is about right away but i'm loving the photography, the scenes, the shots, the angles, etc. and i'm thinking to myself that this commercial is simply beautiful. and then i hear that familiar tune and those familiar words...."the touch, the feel of cotton. the fabric of our lives."

and there it was. that lead knot of disappointment. [frown].

and i know that it is only a commercial but this is not the first time that the ad agenecy for "cotton" has used deceptive tactics for their campaigns. i never know that i am watching a cotton commercial. but i am empathetic. how many people would deliberately watch a commercial about cotton?

how many pieces of clothing do we actually own that don't contain at least some percentage of cotton in them? cotton is the most widely used natural-fiber cloth so is it even necessary to advertise cotton?

farmers in developing nations are unable to compete with developed countries and consequently have to receive low wages for producing cotton, while the united states is the leading exporter of cotton.

so why am i watching advertisements for cotton?!

today in quotes.

this is no laughing matter. but in a recession rich people are always fun to laugh at.

today wildfire blew across 1,300 acres in santa barbara county, california. 13,500 residents had to evacuate and the fire destroyed about 20 homes, according to cnn. the majority of these homes...coastal mansions.

i mean you really have to feel bad for people who can afford coastal mansions in these economic times and who probably have insane insurance policies on everything they own.

relax cali. this is not the first time you guys have set that state on fire (in more ways than one) and you guys should be used to apocalytic disasters by now.

cnn managed to catch up with today's california victims. and here's what they had to say:

(seriously. these are actual quotes.)

"the fire is moving very, very rapidly. this is an uncontrolled wildfire." said by santa barbara county fire captain david sadecki

not exactly what i would want to hear from my fire captain when there's fire.

"i have hundreds of paintings, so i would just lose everything,"

with people losing everything that they have worked for for the last twenty years in a recession brought about by greed and corruption, i'm sorry to hear that. really i am.

"i'm looking out towards the east, and it's just a big cloud going from the coast all the way to the channel islands" .

where in the world are the channel islands? i bet it's an exclusive rich people place. and only your exclusive rich people friends know what you're talking about.

"the sun is just rising, but it looks a little bit like sunset because the cloud is covering the sun"

how romantic. do you always use that one when picking up dates?

oh manny. you came and you gave without taking.

the mlb suspended the l.a. dodgers outfielder, manny ramirez, today for 50 games for violating its "performance-enhancing drug" program.

along with his suspension, ramirez will now be recognized as the "highest profile baseball player to be suspended for banned substances" according to the new york times.

the irony:

medical tests didn't actually reveal that he had been taking steroids but that he had been taking human chorionic gonadotropin, hcg, which is a fertility drug for women sometimes used by athletes to increase testosterone after steroid use.

the mlb didn't begin suspending players for a positive test until 2004.

barry bonds, mark mcgwire, and alex rodriguez all actually tested positive for steroids but never faced penalties because their alleged steroid use came before 2004.

stings a little doesn't it?

stimulus package.

so i'm sure everyone has heard by now that oprah has teamed up with kfc to give out free chicken for two weeks.

yay.

we're in a recession. times are hard. and apparently people had stopped eating. so thank you oprah for your take on the way a stimulus package should be done.

fool me once.

federal reserve chairman ben bernanke spoke to congress today about the current state of the economy and stated that he felt that the economy "should pull out of the recession and start growing again by the end of this year".

yay.

he later warned that even with economic recovery underway, economic activity is expected to remain slugglish and businesses will continue to hiring sparingly. the nation’s unemployment rate is expected to increase to about 10% causing a considerable amount of job losses.

note: an unemployment rate is never ideal but an ideal or manageable unemployment rate is around 4.5%.

so wait. what?

slow economic activity? decrease in jobs? increase in unemployment?

exactly how are you measuring economic growth, mr. bernake? nothing that followed you saying that you expect to see growth by the end of this year indicates economic growth of any kind.

mr. bernanke, those are last year's numbers.

the only time i would ever watch sports center...

because his responses to sports questions sound a lot like mine. so now i don't feel so bad.

note to self: when asked anything in reference to the nba, or even basketball in general, just say "kobe" or "lebron".

"and i'd rather be pushing flowers than to be in the pen sharing showers."

the class of 2009 will graduate into one of the worse job markets seen in over a generation. the ajc stated yesterday that on campus recruiting has been down 15 to 20 percent nationwide and u.s. businesses which have reportedly had over 1 million job cuts since july plan to hire 22% less than they did last year.

those lucky enough to have actually gotten job offers are expected to get paid 2.2% less than last year.

in even gloomier news: the ajc projects that "the class of 2009 will likely end up at the end of a long line of workers with more experience, giving them a delayed start in their careers".

all your years of experience in journalism and this the word choice you decide on to soften the blow. thanks guys.

now on to the good news...

shouts out the class of 2009. here's an instrumental by brooklyn academy that you can freestyle your frustrations to. enjoy.

fakin.

there have been reports now that people are flooding emergency rooms all over the country with merely a sore throat, cough, or sneeze frantically believing that they have contracted the h1n1 virus, formally known as swine flu (see how you still have to say it anyway).

the problem with this is that those who actually do possess life threatening ailments are hindered from receiving their necessary proper treatment due to the influx of the "worried well".

because a crowded hospital emergency room full of people with all sorts of potentially contagious, life threatening diseases is where i would want to find myself if i wasn't quite sure if i was sick or not yet.

oops.

with every form of media incessantly reporting on the swine flu pandemic it is understandable that the pork industry is now suffering. but here's the gotcha: the disease is actually a combination of human and animal strains and hasn't even been shown to be transmissible by pork. hmmm.

the nation's leading pork companies, smithfield foods inc. and tyson's food inc., who were already suffering, have reported a decline in their stock prices since the outbreak.

to rectify the situation, government health agencies have resolved to now call the disease 2009 h1n1 but it's a little late for that and "2009 h1n1" is a bit of a mouthful and nowhere as near as cool or scary sounding as "swine flu".

thanks again u.s. government for finding new and innovative ways to add further detriment to the already failing u.s. economy.

hell hath no fury...

to protest the growing divide within the kenyan coalition government, women in kenya have decided to withhold sex for a week.

the kenyan coalition government was created when over 1,000 people were killed after the kenyan election in 2008. since its creation the coalition has been less than successful in assuring the kenyan people that outbreaks of violence will be minimized.

i send my regards and wish that i could join you ladies in solidarity. but unfortunately i do not reside in kenya. so instead of taking on this brave act of deprivation along with you i will simply post some motivational quotes to keep hope alive.

modern invention has banished the spinning wheel, and the same law of progress makes the woman of today a different woman from her grandmother.
- susan b. anthony

not knowing when the dawn will come, i open every door.
-emily dickinson

we must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily difference we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.
-marian wright edelman

in politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-margaret thatcher.

because man and woman are the complement of one another, we need woman's thought in national affairs to make a safe and stable government.
-elizabeth cady stanton

if you thought coloring books were supposed to be fun...

think again.

a coloring book entitled "a scary thing happened" that depicts devasting tragedies that have occurred in america over the last decade, including the events of 9/11 and hurricane katrina, was published in 2003 and was just discontinued last week. the intended aim of releasing the coloring book was to teach traumatized children about tragedy.

because actually living through the tragedy itself evidently does not teach you enough.

twitter. the new bird.

cnn posted an article today about a twitter group entitled, akbaddrivers, that lets angry drivers in alaska take out their frustrations through tweets.

oh alaska. you guys and your brilliant ideas.

in defense of her online group, co-creator molly hutchinsons said that when "you yell out the window or give them the finger, you really don't get any vindication and this gives you an outlet to vent your frustration to others and feel like you've gotten a little justice."

yes. because nothing says justice like watching someone that you have just cut off swerve off the road in an effort to fit their frustrations into a 140 character tweet.

the talented.

looks can be deceiving but britain definitely has talent. and they will stop at nothing to prove it. so all you americans relying on your good looks, style, and grace, take note.

competition.

i used to think that being a clerk at a gas station was the most dangerous job that anyone could ever have. after watching this video, competitive maybe, but dangerous, maybe not. i now know that it takes a certain kind of skill. i wonder what the interview is like.

interviewer: so i'm just gonna ask you a series of situational questions just to get an idea of how you would react in certain situations. you just say the first thing that pops into your head.

interviewee: okay.

interviewer: hypothetically speaking, if a man were to enter the store with a machete. you would a.) run b.) call for help or c.) try your luck and see if you can take him down.

....

"you can do sex."

today the new york times published an article about two brothers residing in karachi, pakistan who have decided to participate in the lucrative $3 billion fetish and bondage industry. this is an extremely risky venture considering the strict political and religious laws that are enforced in pakistan.

of course not risky enough as the new york times has given the names and ages of the two brothers, the specific location of where their controversial business can be found, as well as photographs of the two men.

why we love michelle.

she is the ultimate housewife. and she shows all the housewives slacking on the job how it should be done.

we all know that in order to assume the position of housewife you must marry a man whose job is so incredibly stressful that his superiors have no choice but to compensate him accordingly. check.

secondly, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. so be sure to lure him with all sorts of delicacies while courting and once you two have made it, be quoted like michelle, saying that "you don't miss cooking at all".

and then while your husband is hard at work invite elementary school children over and tell them that you think you "have the best job in the white house" and that you "don't have to deal with the hard problems every day," but that you "get to do the fun stuff."

and because all successful and hardworking husbands want a wife who maintains her weight, when those children ask you your favorite thing you tell them "eating food prepared by the kitchen staff". and when they ask you your least favorite thing, you tell them "running on the treadmill".

and if your husband is too busy to spend time with you and take you out to all the nice places around town be quoted saying, "i have this thing that i like to do with some of my staff members, and we sneak out, without telling anybody, and we go and test out all the fun places to eat in d.c". that will teach him.

oh michelle. two words. three syllables. role model.

my apologies.

so i clearly missed the mark with my prediction that the venezuelan equine encephalitis virus would be the government conspiracy used to scare the masses. my sincere apologies and i would like to assure you that i have learned my lesson so as to be more astute when discerning these matters for next time.

1. venezuelan equine encephalitis was clearly a distraction in an earnest, not to mention clever, attempt to divert attention until the true government conspiracy plot was fully developed.


2. the plot has to be catchy. no pun intended. swine flu is a lot easier to say than venezuelan equine encephalitis. "flu-like" apparently carries no weight at all. flu actually has to be in the name.


3. the outbreak has to be started in a country other than the united states. (obviously! how did i miss that?) preferably in country for which most americans have already established some form of disdain. i.e japan, mexico, etc.

...and they say we need education reform.

nope. the apathetic academic curriculum allows for the expression of creativity, imagination, and genius through alternative extracurricular activities.